The Need for Speed (A Surprising Day)

Real quick because I have super fun things to do with my brain tonight (researching how something software-related works), I had a surprising day today. Two things happened at work that normally would have completely sunk my mood and my confidence (and also killed my ability to do super fun research tonight)… and I was fine.

Still am, in fact.

Yeah, it was weird.

The first thing was a confluence of corrupted file and impending meeting. Instead of freaking out and making 45 rapid-fire bad decisions ending in tears and poorly-concealed damage to my confidence, I postponed the meeting, moved some shit around, and found 2 hours tomorrow to recreate the file. Without guilt, without self-recrimination, without apology.

Like a boss.

Weird, right? Like, there’s a picture of me falling apart weirdly and overcorrecting poorly under pressure embossed on the cover of The Burned-Out AuDHD Playbook. Wasting my own time by getting upset is my path.

The second thing was an encounter not worth describing except to say it was a meeting with an agenda comprised entirely of toxic dude being toxic. And it didn’t tank me. I wasn’t furious. I kept my hope and my confidence. I wasn’t derailed by my attachment to futile causes. I took action where I could to protect my team and raise a flag, and then I walked away. No tears, no existential dread, no deep dive into my powerlessness. Just do what you can and move on.

During all this (maybe this is a third surprise?) I recognized something I normally fail to see: I was surrounded in both situations by people who could help me carry the weight, who were willing to take a turn holding the banner.

That was an unfamiliar feeling. I suspect that in the past I’ve taken on too much responsibility when I didn’t need to because I couldn’t see how much help was available. I mean, sure there were also plenty of times when I had no potential support in difficult times and I was right to feel alone. But maybe I’ve been overlooking support I could have leaned on more often, too.

Today, knowing I wasn’t alone allowed me to have a measured response to things that have fucked me up for a day or two in the past.

So what’s driving this sudden, calm wave of situational awareness and executive function badassery?

I think it’s because for about 3 weeks I’ve been taking my full prescribed dose of stimulant meds. Instead of scrimping and hoarding to protect myself against more Adderall-shortage bullshit, I’ve been taking the full amount (still small by some standards) and feeling a little bit like unadulterated me.

Yeah, so there’s a lot to unpack, a lot more to observe (2 anecdotes aren’t data), I’m not a neuroscientist, and stimulants can be dangerous. But I think this is a solid, safe hypothesis for me… so watch this space for more as things develop.